Oftentimes, as women we feel the need to do it all. We tend to take on everything asked of us and then some. From supporting the emotional needs of our family and friends, to signing up to be a room mom, to meeting up for dinner with a colleague when we’d rather be home, to baby-sitting our niece & nephew on our one night off. Our knee-jerk reaction so often is, if we are physically capable of doing something, then why not say yes?
The problem with this is that, although we may be physically able to do all of these things, we are not always mentally able to. And none of us ever wants to admit that. Because we have been conditioned to feel selfish and guilty any time we factor in ourselves.
Years ago, I had a friend who would call me on my way home from work. I have a 30 minute commute each day from where I teach in Cherry HIll. My friend knew this and would give me a call a few times a week. What our “conversations” turned into was her using this time to dump all of the baggage from her day on me. I spoke very little, and instead just sat and listened to a whole ton of toxic talk. I quickly realized that, yes I was absolutely physically able to sit and listen to her. And yes, she was probably getting a lot out of this and feeling much better afterward. But, mentally, this was NOT right for me. Going full-speed at school all day, to then listen to this, to then get home and go full-speed the rest of my night with my boys was not good for my mental state. I needed that drive home to just be. So I told her that. I said I needed the time to decompress from school. It was a slightly awkward conversation but it was absolutely necessary for me to have. She tried calling me a few more times after that, but I stuck to my guns and didn’t pick up. Once I was home, I’d shoot her a text and let her know that I just needed that time for me and that I’d call her back another time. Which I did. On MY terms though. I wasn’t blowing her off. I wasn’t being a jerk. And I certainly wasn’t being selfish. Instead, I was tuning in to what I needed. Because my mental needs deserve to be a priority. And if that requires saying no to things, then so be it.
Saying no, like many things, becomes easier over time. If you are someone who avoids conflict and tends to people please, it may seem terrifying. How will the other person react? Will they become annoyed with me? Will they start talking about me behind my back? What it comes down to, though, is a fear of other people’s opinion. Essentially you are allowing someone else’s opinion to dictate decisions you’re making for yourself and your family. Reread that line. How does that realization feel? Make decisions for YOU. Not for others. And if you’re surrounding yourself with the right people, they’ll understand.
This past weekend my group of friends was grabbing drinks for one of the girl’s birthdays. I was free and could have gone. But I chose not to. From the very start of the talks for this, I said no. I didn’t lead them on, only to bail at the last minute. I didn’t avoid getting back to them. I immediately said no. I knew that my weekend was incredibly busy with things connected to my health coaching job, and that I didn’t have very much family time outside of that. Weekend family time is critical to me. I explained that and everyone understood. On the morning of this friend’s birthday, I left a bag of her favorite candy and a card on her car. I also gave another friend some cash to buy her a drink from me. I could show I was a caring and thoughtful friend, yet still do what I needed to do for my mental health needs.
Factor yourself in. YOU matter.
Below are 2 quotes that go along with this mindset.
“Recognize that your 'NO' doesn't mean you are:
A) being mean
B) destroying a relationship
C) closing doors
It means you are actually setting up the conditions where you can show up as the best version of yourself. It means you will intentionally avoid being overwhelmed and are preserving your own well-being. Boundaries allow you to design a life that works, and creates the parameters for others to respect it.”
It can be more compassionate to say no than to:
Be unreliable.
Help begrudgingly.
Constantly remind a person of how you helped
Show up with a bad attitude
Leave people waiting
Overload yourself with tasks