In the last few posts, I've shared my experiences growing up with body dysmorphia. What it was like, and how I got to a point where I knew I wanted to beat it. Today I'll be continuing this series. I’ll be discussing some obstacles that led up to working on it & how sticking with my vow slowly started to change my self image.
Once I made the decision to work on this struggle, I immediately tried to find a counselor. I didn’t really know what working on this looked like. I mean, how does one fix a brain that isn’t seeing reality?! The task seemed quite daunting and damn near impossible to do alone. Well, what I found out was that trying to find a counselor was also almost damn near impossible. Lunch break after lunch break, I’d research then call different places. I’d either have to leave a message or I’d be told that they weren’t taking new patients OR that they didn’t have any specialists in the area in which I needed help. This definitely became a letdown. It also definitely was testing my determination to work on my struggle. But I wasn’t going to give up. I focused on the future life that was in store for me. The one that I deserved. The version of me that would be even better. She’d be confident and void of the daily clutter that got in the way of my happiness. Future Me became my driving force. And so I carried on and kept calling.
Eventually I found someone and we set up a virtual meeting. Leading up to it, I was actually pretty pumped. In my mind, this was going to be the start of Future Me. She was ready to slowly make a triumphant and permanent appearance. My first few sessions went really well. My counselor felt like a friend- the two of us hit it off & I always looked forward to talking. It was a place where I could discuss anything. I didn’t have to feel like I was burdening her or that I was taking up too much of her time- she was literally there to talk about whatever I wanted. And that had amazing effects.
That is, until my next obstacle revealed itself. This was going to be the ultimate test of my determination to beat this.
Shortly into my sessions, some things occurred in my life that required me to morph into Supporter rather than Supportee. Someone in my life needed me, and I had to focus my time & energy on that person. This involved me now using my counseling sessions to discuss how to navigate the situation and how to best support this person. Cue frustrated, defeated sigh. Cue sick feeling in stomach. Cue new wave of stress in my life. Cue knee-jerk instinct to give up on this. Once again, my needs became secondary.
What I could have done at this point was throw in the towel. Accept that I have a family whose needs always came first. Continue to garner hope that one day all the stars would align and I could go back to getting the help that I needed. And, thus, settle back into the “pretty good but not its best” life that I had previously been living.
Okay hell no, that was NOT going to happen. I made the vow for change & I was going to keep the vow for change. Yes, this was a gigantic obstacle. Truly gigantic. One that left me feeling very overwhelmed and alone at times. But it was time to see what I was made of and to press on.
So I spent all of my counseling sessions dealing with this other issue, and used all of my commutes to work thinking about how the hell I was going to fix my body dysmorphia alone. Lots of praying, lots of thinking about my daily obstacles, and lots of meditating on what Future Me could entail. As a result of this, I came up with a game plan. This plan involved 2 parts. I’d work on those parts faithfully every single chance I got. And then I’d just see what happens.
The two parts were being incredibly mindful of my self talk, and stepping out of my comfort zone every chance I got. There was no looking back at this point. The time for change was now, and I was ready to fully devote myself to this. Let’s give this a go.