I didn’t realize until pretty recently that the condition “body dysmorphia” even existed. Honestly, over the years, I just kind of thought that I was overly insecure and vain. I didn’t like that about me, but I didn’t know how to change it. I didn’t like that when people made flippant remarks about my body, I would secretly start spiraling. I didn’t like that I would either obsess in front of mirrors, or avoid them completely. And I certainly didn’t like that my fears of being judged were part of my every day. That’s a whole lot of clutter to carry around. For years, this occurred. Through my heavier years in high school to my thinner years in college. From gaining weight again after college to losing it after discovering kickboxing. From maintaining it to putting it back on during the pandemic. No matter where I was physically, the clutter was there.
Until one day about a year or so ago when everything changed.
I very clearly remember that day. People around me kept talking about listening to podcasts. I had never listened to one, but given that I have a 30 minute commute each day to school, I figured I’d look into it. I wanted to listen to one that was both motivating & gave me food for thought. My morning commute is my reflection time. I use it to think through things, to daydream about goals I have, to digest any struggles that have occurred. Having 2 active boys at home, it is basically the only quiet part of my day.🙃 I decided to start with a podcast on women and body acceptance because that was a topic that I had recently been chatting about with some friends.
So I went on my phone and looked up “motivating”, “insecurities”, & “body” (or something similar). This led me to a podcast called “Beating BDD” (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Intrigued at this idea of body dysmorphia, I listened to an episode.
In retrospect, that became the turning point for everything.
It started off with a doctor being interviewed. As he began describing body dysmorphia, I listened super intently. He talked about how people who suffer from BDD carry thoughts around all day with them about their bodies. That these thoughts are sometimes factored into their daily decisions about where to go, what to do, and who to see. And that your view of yourself isn’t reality. What your eyes are seeing isn’t actually what the rest of the world sees. He then went on to talk about how someone who is NOT suffering from BDD may look in the mirror in the mornings and have a disparaging thought about themselves, but then they move on with their day. These thoughts don’t necessarily travel with them.
That last part truly almost floored me. You mean, not everyone carries around this clutter?! I had come to believe that anyone with weight struggles probably faced the same daily mental struggles as me. I had never contemplated that there was a life out there void of this. I figured that other people just handled it a little better, but that they were still facing the same struggles. The idea that people went about their day not giving much thought to their appearance was mind-boggling.
I want that for myself. I need that for myself, I deserve that for myself. I am going to do whatever is required of me to get to that place where this clutter isn’t consuming me.
That was the vow I immediately made. I realized just how much I was wasting away my life carrying around this burden. It wasn’t going away on its own. And it was absolutely keeping me from living my best life and from being the best version of me. At the time, I was approaching turning 40. I had already made a vow, going into 40, that I was going to step out of my comfort zone as often as possible to see what life had in store for me. This went right along with that. It was time to deal with this. Whatever that entailed, so be it. There was a life waiting for me- one where this clutter was replaced with an even larger amount of joy for my friends, family, goals, & faith. It was time to stop ignoring this. Time to stop downplaying my needs and to start prioritizing them.
Once I made that vow, I never looked back.
One year later, here I am. One year later, I’m putting everything out there & writing about my struggles. Something I would never have done before. One year later, I am working hard to garner an online following in order to be a role model for other women. One year later, I am happier and more fulfilled than I’ve ever been thanks to the work I have put into my struggles. My husband started seeing the difference almost immediately. I started feeling that difference almost immediately too. I am a better mother, wife, friend, teacher, & person because I took the time to work on my needs. There is nothing selfish about that.
When you’re able to let go of something that has been consuming your mind for so long, it allows you to see, focus on, and appreciate all of the amazing things in your life so much more. This applies to any kind of struggle you’re experiencing, not just physical insecurities.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Hoping that things will change on their own.
Ignoring your needs because you don’t think they’re important enough to address.
Downplaying your struggles because you have an amazing life outside of them, and they’re not that big of a deal.
Convincing yourself that taking the time to focus on them and on yourself is selfish.
Wanting to be your best self and wanting to get the most out of your life is what each of us should strive for. Maybe taking the time to read this piece will one day be YOUR turning point to look back on.🙂