“I’m not allowed to have cookies. I’m on a diet because my mom says that I’m chubby.”
Those were the words that I recently overheard while sitting at my desk in my 4th grade classroom. Two of my 4th grade girls had earned the reward of having lunch in the classroom with me. Typically during these lunches, I overhear conversations about homework, recess, what’s being served in the cafeteria for lunch, etc. The kids and I will chat about random things as they eat lunch & play on my Smartboard.
At first, I thought that maybe I misheard my student. I mean, this is a 9 year old we are talking about. So I chimed in & asked her to repeat herself.
“Yeah, my mom is kind of mean sometimes and says that I am chubby. So I am on a diet!”
Not wanting to go into anything in front of her friend, I briefly pointed out how she is absolutely fabulous the way she is and that she does NOT need to be on a diet. Later on, I stole a few private minutes with her & had a more direct conversation about it. Reiterating to her that there is nothing chubby about her, that every time she looks in the mirror she should be filled with confidence about the outstanding girl she is, and that THAT is what the rest of us see: a beautiful girl inside and out.
This interaction stuck with me the rest of my day. I talked about it with my husband and sons at dinner that night, & I made a mental note to write about it that coming weekend. As awful as it was to hear my student call herself chubby & to know that those thoughts were coming from someone in her life who should be doing the exact opposite of tearing her down, that was not the most disturbing part of the conversation with her. The most jarring part of it all was the way she talked about herself. She spoke in such a nonchalant, matter-of-fact way about being chubby, it was clear to me that she had already accepted this as a truth. Even when we spoke privately, she was very much like “Mrs. Sullivan, it’s not a big deal.” about it all. Her brain had clearly been trained to see & accept her body as chubby.
Friends, this right here is exactly how eating disorders & body dysmorphia begin.
I started being told that I was overweight in 4th grade. Unlike my student, these words came from my peers. The ridicule began in 4th grade, and worsened in middle & high schools. My brain was regularly being told that I was ugly & that my body was fat. At that age, hearing these comments over and over for such an extended period of time, your brain starts to accept it as a truth. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw ugly and overweight. This occurred even when I was in college, lost weight, and was at my thinnest. My brain literally would still see a big girl in the mirror. When people complimented me, I didn’t know if they were being honest. It was a complete head game that would occur all day, every day.
And that is what body dysmorphia entails. Your brain has been trained to see yourself a certain way and it doesn’t matter if your appearance actually changes. You aren’t able to see that. Instead, the image standing in front of you in the mirror, in your mind, is hugely flawed. It isn’t reality, but you don’t realize that. It doesn’t matter what your friends tell you. It doesn’t matter what the scale tells you. Or what your clothes indicate, Body dysmorphia is a mental health disorder where your brain isn’t seeing reality. And it is becoming more and more common in young girls today largely due to the barrage of social media images they are seeing all day, every day. Add unkind, flippant remarks from family members or peers- these girls don’t even have a chance to develop any kind of confidence. Their brains are being trained without them even realizing it. Years of this will undoubtedly carve out wildly insecure adults who constantly obsess over their bodies & go to extreme measures to fit today’s definition of beautiful. We have a problem on our hands that we need to be proactive about. Speaking from experience, once your brain has been trained, it is unbelievably challenging to undo things. It’s been over 20 years since I have dealt with these experiences, and I am still working to undo that damage.
Next, I’ll be sharing some thoughts on how to help our young girls. I’ve made a ton of progress on my own dysmorphia this past year and will also be sharing my experiences in an effort to help anyone experiencing similar struggles themselves.💗