Women love scaring other women. This is something I realized after getting married. I was nearing wanting to have children of my own, and would happily chat about that in various social situations. So many times, this caused a total change in direction for the conversation-
“Enjoy your body now, because you’ll never get it back after having kids.”
“Have fun doing that stuff in your classroom now, because you’ll never have time after having kids.”
It was obvious to me that the person I was talking to wanted to scare me & portray having children as a huge potential negative in my life. This only became exponentially worse when I actually had my first son.
“Just wait until he hits a growth spurt. I didn’t sleep for a week.”
"Just wait until he’s teething. My son would cry for hours on end.”
“Just wait until she’s able to walk. I don't have a second to sit down and breathe.”
“Just wait until….just wait until….just wait until….”
Moms in my life flooded me with stories of terrible stages that their children went through that I would inevitably be experiencing. This started in the infant stages and has continued through now. My older son is going into middle school. So, naturally, people feel that they should share with me how truly terrible middle school is. Sharing with me what their child has gone through and the toll that it’s taken on them as a parent. “Just wait” until it happens to you, Wendy. Because it will.
🙄
Early into my life as a mom, I made the conscious decision to tune all of this out. I recognized what was happening- misery wants company. At times, insecure people subconsciously want to see confident, happy people fail because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are women out there who have had certain parenting struggles and who want other people to also have those struggles because then they’ll feel better. I let go of many friendships during my early years as a mom because it was crystal clear to me that some women around me wanted me to fail. Their comments told me that they wanted me to struggle losing the baby weight. Their comments told me that they wanted my son to NOT sleep through the night. The examples go on and on. These people are not friends, and they do not deserve my time or attention. So I let them go. I’m sorry that you struggled with parts of motherhood- as we all do- but don’t wish your struggles on me. That is not okay.
I also recognized early on that most of the horror stories they were feeding me never happened. Yes, my son had struggles as an infant. But not all of the ones I was told would definitely happen. Fast forward, and the “warnings” for the most part still aren’t coming true. No, my middle school son doesn’t treat me like garbage. No, my boys aren’t totally obsessed with their devices. I put a shit ton of time and energy into developing rules for these boys and making sure they understand the value and reasoning behind the rules. And it has worked out pretty well for us.
This is not to say we don’t have our struggles. Of course we do. My younger son has a hot temper and flies off the handle, sometimes within seconds. I have had to restrain him and he’s even gone so far as to shove me, knocking me to the ground in our front yard. My older son has my type A tendencies, but to the point where he gets anxiety when things don’t go a certain way. On vacation, he struggled even more than I did without a schedule. The two of us are essentially working on this together.
There are plenty of struggles. But I deal with them as they pop up. And then I move on. I don’t spend my time fretting and worrying about what might happen. And I certainly don’t spend my time festering over what some other mom warned me would happen. The additional mental clutter is not needed and will keep you from experiencing true joy in your life.
As my older son heads into 6th grade, I can honestly say that I am fine with it. I have made the choice to live and parent without fear. I have made the choice to focus on and enjoy the new parts of him that we will be experiencing. He has developed a funny wit that is great to banter with. He has become a great reader who is fun to talk about books with. It is awesome seeing the athlete he is becoming. I am proud of the responsible boy he is turning into. The list continues.
Middle school will surely bring on its challenges. I have already had many, many conversations in response to his questions about certain words and phrases he has heard but didn’t understand. And these will continue and become much, much more challenging. But, my husband and I will handle them as they pop up and then move on.
Ladies, help me retire the phrase “just wait” and let’s let other moms just be. Maybe they’ll experience similar struggles, in which case we can provide advice for them. Maybe they’ll experience struggles we never dealt with, in which case we can provide an ear for them. Either way, be the supportive friend and make the conscious decision to stop instilling fear. Social media has contributed to this culture of insecure, scared moms who need constant validation. We aren’t helping by using every opportunity we can to share horror stories of motherhood. Sharing your stories because you want the support or because you are simply taking a trip down memory lane is one thing. Sharing your story pretending to be helpful when you’re really just projecting your insecurities onto your friend is another thing. Be mindful of which you’re doing & let’s build up the newbie moms out there. Being a mom is hard. Every one of us could use as much genuine support as we can get. 💜